“The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still.” Ephesians 14:14
This verse hung in our home in D.C. and it has been my battle cry over the past 12 months.
A year ago we were beginning one of the hardest seasons of our lives, Naomi and I boarded a one-way plane to Texas to be followed by Joe the following day. A moving truck had arrived four days prior and put the past three years box by box, piece by piece, into a moving truck. As if it were possibly that simple. I stood in our bedroom upstairs and sobbed. I’ve only sobbed like that one other time, when the realization that we had lost the baby in 2013 really sunk in. It was like a death. It was a death – the death of a life we had grown to love and cherish was done, completed. We were saying goodbye to a community group that we would never share life with in that capacity again. We said goodbye to the people who loved on me when I was in the deep waters of postpartum anxiety, the people who loved my baby girl as their own, people we loved as family. I’m not sure if this made it harder or easier, but we were choosing to do it. We saw an opportunity to be closer to family, live in a more affordable city, and move back home. Washington D.C. is not a place most couples can survive on one salary, and we knew we had run our course there. I prayed and prayed for God to provide the financial resources so we could stay, buy a home, and settle. It never happened. God said no. I wish I could say that in the weeks and months that followed I sought God and clung to His word. I didn’t. I was hurt and sad and allowed myself to wallow in the deep, unending pit of self-pity and insecurity.
During the weeks leading up to the move, and shortly after we returned to Texas, we went through the most hellacious home buying experience I think a person can have. We thought closing would be the answer but it wasn’t. We were greeted with no electricity, water under the house, rats in the attic, and a multitude of other issues that we uncovered for months. I felt completely forsaken. We were in the wilderness.
In March we chose a church, and began the journey of finding and making new community. During those first few weeks God clearly whispered, “I have to be enough. I am enough. I am all the friendship you need.” Of course I knew that all along, but I didn’t learn it until my community was stripped away, until I was alone. God knew the desires of my heart and he was going to fulfill them, but they needed to change a bit.
As I look back on pictures and recall memories from a year ago the deep ache I felt daily for many months returns but not without hope. God has answered so many desires already and he has placed some wonderful people in our lives in San Antonio. Our time in D.C. was priceless, but I don’t want to miss what God has for us here because I’m constantly looking back. May the kingdom of San Antonio be as it is in heaven, and Lord may we be a part of it!